Friday, August 25, 2006

The Best Day of My Life: before she got hitched

This was written before Nicole Kidman got hitched. So now the chances of this getting published anywhere but my blog are slim to nil. A funny article is a terrible thing to waste. See below.


It all started with a reheated slice of NYC pizza. Okay, it was Domino’s, but I’m from New Mexico, so what am I supposed to know about New York City Pizza? Tamales I know. Tacos I know. Catholic girls--you bet I know. I was hungry, real hungry. I bit the inside of my mouth juggling the too-hot pizza. Coming from a long line of hypochondriacs, I took a trip to the oral surgeon. (You should never take risks with your health.)

A chance offer by the Doc to go backstage to Live with Regis and Kelly, so he can surprise his producer wife, leads to the best day of my life. I shake hands with Kelly Ripa and watch her--might I add she put her hand and arm around my shoulder in support of me being in Iraq as a U.S. Marine (I knew the war was worth it!)--anyway, more importantly--FOCUS! FOCUS!—I watch her interview Nicole Kidman!(!!) And hey, I lived five minutes from Nicole in Sydney, Australia. “Remember me?” (the guy who would stiffen up as he walked by your house? I am here for you, Nicole; When you were in the midst of a divorce from Tom, I was there for you then too, Nicole; I’ve always been there for you). Anyway, FOCUS DAVID! FOCUS! My eyes are darting frantically during the interview. Who to look at? Which set of legs to gander at? Which fantasy path to take--school-girl outfit or thigh-high stockings? All good, all good. I take it all in: Kelly in perfect heels, a hot-angled view of Nicole’s inner workings, oh if I only had bionic eyes. Then the moment of my life I will never forget: they hug. Oh Lord, please, if you give me nothing else, let me be part of that--a Dave Rosner-Kelly Ripa-Nicole Kidman sandwich, but not in that order. Okay, so Kelly is off-limits, she’s married, but there’s nothing wrong with looking. Nicole, on the other hand, is on the market, and we know she’s into it since she did Lenny Kravitz. Must have a thang for Jews. Once you go Jewish you never go black, or however that saying goes to my advantage. “Hi, nice to meet you. You’ve starred in my fantasies for years, I mean, uh, I’ve been a fan for years.” What a great day!

Later the same night, another big name. (Is this a sign? All these big names in one day?) FOCUS! FOCUS! Okay, so that night I go to a taping of a show on which Jerry Seinfeld is the scheduled guest. I’m tired--fantasizing about the sandwich takes a lot out of a person. Some guys need Viagra; my wrist just ends up hurting and I get a little light-headed. As a comic, actor and writer myself, I find I have to leave the show before it starts, because I get a call for a paid gig! Some dumb high-paying focus group. But nevertheless a paid gig! Am I blowing off seeing Seinfeld for a focus group? Yes, but on the way out a trip to the men’s room leads me to his dressing room. My stealthy Marine Corps training pays off once again. No security, but no Seinfeld either. Do I leave him my card? (He sees it, thinks I’m great…calls me and soon I’m doing gigs with him, I’m in his next sitcom. Or: The Seinfeld Reunion Starring Dave Rosner.) To leave the card or not? I leave it, I take it away, I leave it again, I take it away. What am I, back in bed with a horny ex-girlfriend? In the end I keep it away. Seinfeld will have to wait; besides, I have a Kelly Ripa- Dave Rosner-Nicole Kidman sandwich to attend to!

At the focus group I meet a hot redhead. Are those black knee-highs, thigh-highs or waist-highs? How am I supposed to focus on the focus group when all I can focus on is the redhead? Sorry, Mr. Focus Group Leader Guy, I could care less about your dumb topic. There’s a hot redhead here! She takes priority, they always do. Don’t you know that? What is wrong with you? Are you gay or something? Okay, I’m pretty sure I can tell she’s a natural redhead. Nicole I can’t tell. Nicole was in waist-highs, and my lack of satellite eye imagery capability could not verify if she was a natural redhead. But it doesn’t matter. We got any room in that sandwich for the focus-group redhead? Pass the mayo! Let’s eat--I’m hungry, real hungry.

Post-–Best-Day-of-My-Life Update: Focus-Group Girl is a natural redhead!

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