Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Pro Choice
I’m not that conservative. I am pro choice. So pro choice that I believe as long as the umbilical cord is attached, you can still abort. I mean, screw it. It’s not breathing by its own power. Thank goodness for liberals. Hell, I feel that up to one year old you should be able to get rid of it. Its personality really hasn’t developed yet.
Friday, August 25, 2006
The Best Day of My Life: before she got hitched
This was written before Nicole Kidman got hitched. So now the chances of this getting published anywhere but my blog are slim to nil. A funny article is a terrible thing to waste. See below.
It all started with a reheated slice of NYC pizza. Okay, it was Domino’s, but I’m from New Mexico, so what am I supposed to know about New York City Pizza? Tamales I know. Tacos I know. Catholic girls--you bet I know. I was hungry, real hungry. I bit the inside of my mouth juggling the too-hot pizza. Coming from a long line of hypochondriacs, I took a trip to the oral surgeon. (You should never take risks with your health.)
A chance offer by the Doc to go backstage to Live with Regis and Kelly, so he can surprise his producer wife, leads to the best day of my life. I shake hands with Kelly Ripa and watch her--might I add she put her hand and arm around my shoulder in support of me being in Iraq as a U.S. Marine (I knew the war was worth it!)--anyway, more importantly--FOCUS! FOCUS!—I watch her interview Nicole Kidman!(!!) And hey, I lived five minutes from Nicole in Sydney, Australia. “Remember me?” (the guy who would stiffen up as he walked by your house? I am here for you, Nicole; When you were in the midst of a divorce from Tom, I was there for you then too, Nicole; I’ve always been there for you). Anyway, FOCUS DAVID! FOCUS! My eyes are darting frantically during the interview. Who to look at? Which set of legs to gander at? Which fantasy path to take--school-girl outfit or thigh-high stockings? All good, all good. I take it all in: Kelly in perfect heels, a hot-angled view of Nicole’s inner workings, oh if I only had bionic eyes. Then the moment of my life I will never forget: they hug. Oh Lord, please, if you give me nothing else, let me be part of that--a Dave Rosner-Kelly Ripa-Nicole Kidman sandwich, but not in that order. Okay, so Kelly is off-limits, she’s married, but there’s nothing wrong with looking. Nicole, on the other hand, is on the market, and we know she’s into it since she did Lenny Kravitz. Must have a thang for Jews. Once you go Jewish you never go black, or however that saying goes to my advantage. “Hi, nice to meet you. You’ve starred in my fantasies for years, I mean, uh, I’ve been a fan for years.” What a great day!
Later the same night, another big name. (Is this a sign? All these big names in one day?) FOCUS! FOCUS! Okay, so that night I go to a taping of a show on which Jerry Seinfeld is the scheduled guest. I’m tired--fantasizing about the sandwich takes a lot out of a person. Some guys need Viagra; my wrist just ends up hurting and I get a little light-headed. As a comic, actor and writer myself, I find I have to leave the show before it starts, because I get a call for a paid gig! Some dumb high-paying focus group. But nevertheless a paid gig! Am I blowing off seeing Seinfeld for a focus group? Yes, but on the way out a trip to the men’s room leads me to his dressing room. My stealthy Marine Corps training pays off once again. No security, but no Seinfeld either. Do I leave him my card? (He sees it, thinks I’m great…calls me and soon I’m doing gigs with him, I’m in his next sitcom. Or: The Seinfeld Reunion Starring Dave Rosner.) To leave the card or not? I leave it, I take it away, I leave it again, I take it away. What am I, back in bed with a horny ex-girlfriend? In the end I keep it away. Seinfeld will have to wait; besides, I have a Kelly Ripa- Dave Rosner-Nicole Kidman sandwich to attend to!
At the focus group I meet a hot redhead. Are those black knee-highs, thigh-highs or waist-highs? How am I supposed to focus on the focus group when all I can focus on is the redhead? Sorry, Mr. Focus Group Leader Guy, I could care less about your dumb topic. There’s a hot redhead here! She takes priority, they always do. Don’t you know that? What is wrong with you? Are you gay or something? Okay, I’m pretty sure I can tell she’s a natural redhead. Nicole I can’t tell. Nicole was in waist-highs, and my lack of satellite eye imagery capability could not verify if she was a natural redhead. But it doesn’t matter. We got any room in that sandwich for the focus-group redhead? Pass the mayo! Let’s eat--I’m hungry, real hungry.
Post-–Best-Day-of-My-Life Update: Focus-Group Girl is a natural redhead!
It all started with a reheated slice of NYC pizza. Okay, it was Domino’s, but I’m from New Mexico, so what am I supposed to know about New York City Pizza? Tamales I know. Tacos I know. Catholic girls--you bet I know. I was hungry, real hungry. I bit the inside of my mouth juggling the too-hot pizza. Coming from a long line of hypochondriacs, I took a trip to the oral surgeon. (You should never take risks with your health.)
A chance offer by the Doc to go backstage to Live with Regis and Kelly, so he can surprise his producer wife, leads to the best day of my life. I shake hands with Kelly Ripa and watch her--might I add she put her hand and arm around my shoulder in support of me being in Iraq as a U.S. Marine (I knew the war was worth it!)--anyway, more importantly--FOCUS! FOCUS!—I watch her interview Nicole Kidman!(!!) And hey, I lived five minutes from Nicole in Sydney, Australia. “Remember me?” (the guy who would stiffen up as he walked by your house? I am here for you, Nicole; When you were in the midst of a divorce from Tom, I was there for you then too, Nicole; I’ve always been there for you). Anyway, FOCUS DAVID! FOCUS! My eyes are darting frantically during the interview. Who to look at? Which set of legs to gander at? Which fantasy path to take--school-girl outfit or thigh-high stockings? All good, all good. I take it all in: Kelly in perfect heels, a hot-angled view of Nicole’s inner workings, oh if I only had bionic eyes. Then the moment of my life I will never forget: they hug. Oh Lord, please, if you give me nothing else, let me be part of that--a Dave Rosner-Kelly Ripa-Nicole Kidman sandwich, but not in that order. Okay, so Kelly is off-limits, she’s married, but there’s nothing wrong with looking. Nicole, on the other hand, is on the market, and we know she’s into it since she did Lenny Kravitz. Must have a thang for Jews. Once you go Jewish you never go black, or however that saying goes to my advantage. “Hi, nice to meet you. You’ve starred in my fantasies for years, I mean, uh, I’ve been a fan for years.” What a great day!
Later the same night, another big name. (Is this a sign? All these big names in one day?) FOCUS! FOCUS! Okay, so that night I go to a taping of a show on which Jerry Seinfeld is the scheduled guest. I’m tired--fantasizing about the sandwich takes a lot out of a person. Some guys need Viagra; my wrist just ends up hurting and I get a little light-headed. As a comic, actor and writer myself, I find I have to leave the show before it starts, because I get a call for a paid gig! Some dumb high-paying focus group. But nevertheless a paid gig! Am I blowing off seeing Seinfeld for a focus group? Yes, but on the way out a trip to the men’s room leads me to his dressing room. My stealthy Marine Corps training pays off once again. No security, but no Seinfeld either. Do I leave him my card? (He sees it, thinks I’m great…calls me and soon I’m doing gigs with him, I’m in his next sitcom. Or: The Seinfeld Reunion Starring Dave Rosner.) To leave the card or not? I leave it, I take it away, I leave it again, I take it away. What am I, back in bed with a horny ex-girlfriend? In the end I keep it away. Seinfeld will have to wait; besides, I have a Kelly Ripa- Dave Rosner-Nicole Kidman sandwich to attend to!
At the focus group I meet a hot redhead. Are those black knee-highs, thigh-highs or waist-highs? How am I supposed to focus on the focus group when all I can focus on is the redhead? Sorry, Mr. Focus Group Leader Guy, I could care less about your dumb topic. There’s a hot redhead here! She takes priority, they always do. Don’t you know that? What is wrong with you? Are you gay or something? Okay, I’m pretty sure I can tell she’s a natural redhead. Nicole I can’t tell. Nicole was in waist-highs, and my lack of satellite eye imagery capability could not verify if she was a natural redhead. But it doesn’t matter. We got any room in that sandwich for the focus-group redhead? Pass the mayo! Let’s eat--I’m hungry, real hungry.
Post-–Best-Day-of-My-Life Update: Focus-Group Girl is a natural redhead!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
MEN WITH HAIRY BACKS FOR ANTI-SMOKING COMMERCIAL!
I want to thank everyone who contacted me about the TV commercial audition for the Men w/Hairy Backs. I appreciate you letting me know about a paid acting gig.
I regret to inform you that my back hair or lack there of, was just not good enough. That is right. I am not that hairy.
But I question, how well do you really know me? Have you seen a mass of hair on my back? Lower back, yes. Maybe you caught my hair pants bit where I show my hairy lower back. But remember it stops at my lower back. Just like pants do. That is the genius to the joke.
You must have assumed my excessively hairy stomach, chest and lower back are an indication that the rest of my body is the same. You know what they say about assumptions… Let’s get something straight here. My teeth are not hairy, my palms are not hairy and the bottoms of my feet are not hairy. Nor I might add my eyeballs are not hairy. None, zilch, zero.
My upper back hair is just is not there yet. A fine wine and a great single malt scotch take time to mature properly in order to give the world a pleasure beyond words. One of these days so will my back hair. Stay tuned.
I regret to inform you that my back hair or lack there of, was just not good enough. That is right. I am not that hairy.
But I question, how well do you really know me? Have you seen a mass of hair on my back? Lower back, yes. Maybe you caught my hair pants bit where I show my hairy lower back. But remember it stops at my lower back. Just like pants do. That is the genius to the joke.
You must have assumed my excessively hairy stomach, chest and lower back are an indication that the rest of my body is the same. You know what they say about assumptions… Let’s get something straight here. My teeth are not hairy, my palms are not hairy and the bottoms of my feet are not hairy. Nor I might add my eyeballs are not hairy. None, zilch, zero.
My upper back hair is just is not there yet. A fine wine and a great single malt scotch take time to mature properly in order to give the world a pleasure beyond words. One of these days so will my back hair. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Round 1: Israel Zero, Hezbollah Won
Since I have had so many inquires into my take of the recent war between Israel and Hezbollah I will give my two cents here.
Israel blew it. Several reason why: Arrogant Generals, bad Intel, poorly trained reservists, awful logistics and an inexperienced government.
Arrogant Generals: (read this in an tough Israeli voice it brings much more realism to it).
“Ehh you know, Israel, will take out the Hezbollah once and, ehh, for all. They will no longer, ehh, have the, ehh, capabilities to fires rockets into, ehh, Israel.”
Wrongly the IDF believed they could take out Hezboallah with an air war. Time and time again in history we see this mistake played out over and over. You will always need boots on the ground. War is up close and dirty.
Bad Intel:
“And therefore I say: Know the enemy, know yourself; your victory will never be endangered. Know the ground, know the weather; your victory will then be total.”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
In a nutshell, a dismal failure.
Israel had no idea of the number of rockets, the anti-tank capabilities, and most importantly Hezbollahs ability to stand and fight successfully.
A complete malfunction of their intelligence cycle. The Intel cycle consist of the following:
• Planning & Direction
• Collection
• Processing & Exploitation
• Production
• Dissemination
• Utilization
Looks like no planning and direction. A weak collection plan, if any.
Nothing to process or exploit. Thus no need for production and dissemination. Finally, zilch to utilize.
Poorly Trained Reservists:
Many factors contribute to this, arrogance, bad intel, financial constraints, but nevertheless it is sill inexcusable.
Awful Logistics:
Israel was not able to provide the essentials, beans (food and water), bullets, and band aids in a timely manner to their forces. Pathetic and criminal. No excuse.
Inexperienced Government:
The Prime Minster and his cabinet did not have an accurate picture of the battlespace nor the experience to question their military leaders.
My prediction is that Israel will rebound and be stronger and better. However, their poor performance all around is a weakness. This reality will give their enemies strength and the incentive to fight harder and longer.
Israel blew it. Several reason why: Arrogant Generals, bad Intel, poorly trained reservists, awful logistics and an inexperienced government.
Arrogant Generals: (read this in an tough Israeli voice it brings much more realism to it).
“Ehh you know, Israel, will take out the Hezbollah once and, ehh, for all. They will no longer, ehh, have the, ehh, capabilities to fires rockets into, ehh, Israel.”
Wrongly the IDF believed they could take out Hezboallah with an air war. Time and time again in history we see this mistake played out over and over. You will always need boots on the ground. War is up close and dirty.
Bad Intel:
“And therefore I say: Know the enemy, know yourself; your victory will never be endangered. Know the ground, know the weather; your victory will then be total.”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
In a nutshell, a dismal failure.
Israel had no idea of the number of rockets, the anti-tank capabilities, and most importantly Hezbollahs ability to stand and fight successfully.
A complete malfunction of their intelligence cycle. The Intel cycle consist of the following:
• Planning & Direction
• Collection
• Processing & Exploitation
• Production
• Dissemination
• Utilization
Looks like no planning and direction. A weak collection plan, if any.
Nothing to process or exploit. Thus no need for production and dissemination. Finally, zilch to utilize.
Poorly Trained Reservists:
Many factors contribute to this, arrogance, bad intel, financial constraints, but nevertheless it is sill inexcusable.
Awful Logistics:
Israel was not able to provide the essentials, beans (food and water), bullets, and band aids in a timely manner to their forces. Pathetic and criminal. No excuse.
Inexperienced Government:
The Prime Minster and his cabinet did not have an accurate picture of the battlespace nor the experience to question their military leaders.
My prediction is that Israel will rebound and be stronger and better. However, their poor performance all around is a weakness. This reality will give their enemies strength and the incentive to fight harder and longer.
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