Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Pope’s Deutschland blood might have got the best of him.

Leave it to someone with German Aryan master race (I don’t want to use the “N” word here) in his vein's to spark a religious controversy. Doesn’t the Pope know that saying Muslims are violent and evil just makes them react with violence and evil? It’s like saying women are emotional and crazy when they are on their period. It’s true. But saying it, just makes them more emotional and crazy. We want to say it. Hey are you on your period? Is that why you’re acting so weird? We know not to say that. We pretend that all is well. We blame ourselves. I shouldn’t have gotten in the line with the female check out girl. Oops my bad. Sorry honey. And then wait it out. So the Pope is guilty. He quoted the truth. He shouldn’t have. His bad. He will learn some things are better left unsaid. This way we all can pretend nothing is wrong and blame ourselves. And while we’re at it, don’t forget to blame the white man, Bush and of course, the Jews.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Brothel opens in Kabul!

It’s easy come, easy go in Kabul.
Democratic and capitalistic reforms have transformed the dust bowl of backwards Afghanistan into a modern Sodom and Gomorrah. The newly opened brothel is raking in the Afghani (dollar) hand over fist. Soon Afghanis can join forces with the left wing in America and jump on the Global Warming and Gay Marriage bandwagons. And in the near future a Kabul-ite will be synonymous with a Progressive. Once they open a gay brothel we’ll know they’re on track.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Pro Choice

I’m not that conservative. I am pro choice. So pro choice that I believe as long as the umbilical cord is attached, you can still abort. I mean, screw it. It’s not breathing by its own power. Thank goodness for liberals. Hell, I feel that up to one year old you should be able to get rid of it. Its personality really hasn’t developed yet.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The Best Day of My Life: before she got hitched

This was written before Nicole Kidman got hitched. So now the chances of this getting published anywhere but my blog are slim to nil. A funny article is a terrible thing to waste. See below.

It all started with a reheated slice of NYC pizza. Okay, it was Domino’s, but I’m from New Mexico, so what am I supposed to know about New York City Pizza? Tamales I know. Tacos I know. Catholic girls--you bet I know. I was hungry, real hungry. I bit the inside of my mouth juggling the too-hot pizza. Coming from a long line of hypochondriacs, I took a trip to the oral surgeon. (You should never take risks with your health.)

A chance offer by the Doc to go backstage to Live with Regis and Kelly, so he can surprise his producer wife, leads to the best day of my life. I shake hands with Kelly Ripa and watch her--might I add she put her hand and arm around my shoulder in support of me being in Iraq as a U.S. Marine (I knew the war was worth it!)--anyway, more importantly--FOCUS! FOCUS!—I watch her interview Nicole Kidman!(!!) And hey, I lived five minutes from Nicole in Sydney, Australia. “Remember me?” (the guy who would stiffen up as he walked by your house? I am here for you, Nicole; When you were in the midst of a divorce from Tom, I was there for you then too, Nicole; I’ve always been there for you). Anyway, FOCUS DAVID! FOCUS! My eyes are darting frantically during the interview. Who to look at? Which set of legs to gander at? Which fantasy path to take--school-girl outfit or thigh-high stockings? All good, all good. I take it all in: Kelly in perfect heels, a hot-angled view of Nicole’s inner workings, oh if I only had bionic eyes. Then the moment of my life I will never forget: they hug. Oh Lord, please, if you give me nothing else, let me be part of that--a Dave Rosner-Kelly Ripa-Nicole Kidman sandwich, but not in that order. Okay, so Kelly is off-limits, she’s married, but there’s nothing wrong with looking. Nicole, on the other hand, is on the market, and we know she’s into it since she did Lenny Kravitz. Must have a thang for Jews. Once you go Jewish you never go black, or however that saying goes to my advantage. “Hi, nice to meet you. You’ve starred in my fantasies for years, I mean, uh, I’ve been a fan for years.” What a great day!

Later the same night, another big name. (Is this a sign? All these big names in one day?) FOCUS! FOCUS! Okay, so that night I go to a taping of a show on which Jerry Seinfeld is the scheduled guest. I’m tired--fantasizing about the sandwich takes a lot out of a person. Some guys need Viagra; my wrist just ends up hurting and I get a little light-headed. As a comic, actor and writer myself, I find I have to leave the show before it starts, because I get a call for a paid gig! Some dumb high-paying focus group. But nevertheless a paid gig! Am I blowing off seeing Seinfeld for a focus group? Yes, but on the way out a trip to the men’s room leads me to his dressing room. My stealthy Marine Corps training pays off once again. No security, but no Seinfeld either. Do I leave him my card? (He sees it, thinks I’m great…calls me and soon I’m doing gigs with him, I’m in his next sitcom. Or: The Seinfeld Reunion Starring Dave Rosner.) To leave the card or not? I leave it, I take it away, I leave it again, I take it away. What am I, back in bed with a horny ex-girlfriend? In the end I keep it away. Seinfeld will have to wait; besides, I have a Kelly Ripa- Dave Rosner-Nicole Kidman sandwich to attend to!

At the focus group I meet a hot redhead. Are those black knee-highs, thigh-highs or waist-highs? How am I supposed to focus on the focus group when all I can focus on is the redhead? Sorry, Mr. Focus Group Leader Guy, I could care less about your dumb topic. There’s a hot redhead here! She takes priority, they always do. Don’t you know that? What is wrong with you? Are you gay or something? Okay, I’m pretty sure I can tell she’s a natural redhead. Nicole I can’t tell. Nicole was in waist-highs, and my lack of satellite eye imagery capability could not verify if she was a natural redhead. But it doesn’t matter. We got any room in that sandwich for the focus-group redhead? Pass the mayo! Let’s eat--I’m hungry, real hungry.

Post-–Best-Day-of-My-Life Update: Focus-Group Girl is a natural redhead!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


I want to thank everyone who contacted me about the TV commercial audition for the Men w/Hairy Backs. I appreciate you letting me know about a paid acting gig.

I regret to inform you that my back hair or lack there of, was just not good enough. That is right. I am not that hairy.

But I question, how well do you really know me? Have you seen a mass of hair on my back? Lower back, yes. Maybe you caught my hair pants bit where I show my hairy lower back. But remember it stops at my lower back. Just like pants do. That is the genius to the joke.

You must have assumed my excessively hairy stomach, chest and lower back are an indication that the rest of my body is the same. You know what they say about assumptions… Let’s get something straight here. My teeth are not hairy, my palms are not hairy and the bottoms of my feet are not hairy. Nor I might add my eyeballs are not hairy. None, zilch, zero.

My upper back hair is just is not there yet. A fine wine and a great single malt scotch take time to mature properly in order to give the world a pleasure beyond words. One of these days so will my back hair. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Round 1: Israel Zero, Hezbollah Won

Since I have had so many inquires into my take of the recent war between Israel and Hezbollah I will give my two cents here.
Israel blew it. Several reason why: Arrogant Generals, bad Intel, poorly trained reservists, awful logistics and an inexperienced government.

Arrogant Generals: (read this in an tough Israeli voice it brings much more realism to it).
“Ehh you know, Israel, will take out the Hezbollah once and, ehh, for all. They will no longer, ehh, have the, ehh, capabilities to fires rockets into, ehh, Israel.”

Wrongly the IDF believed they could take out Hezboallah with an air war. Time and time again in history we see this mistake played out over and over. You will always need boots on the ground. War is up close and dirty.

Bad Intel:
“And therefore I say: Know the enemy, know yourself; your victory will never be endangered. Know the ground, know the weather; your victory will then be total.”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

In a nutshell, a dismal failure.
Israel had no idea of the number of rockets, the anti-tank capabilities, and most importantly Hezbollahs ability to stand and fight successfully.
A complete malfunction of their intelligence cycle. The Intel cycle consist of the following:
• Planning & Direction
• Collection
• Processing & Exploitation
• Production
• Dissemination
• Utilization
Looks like no planning and direction. A weak collection plan, if any.
Nothing to process or exploit. Thus no need for production and dissemination. Finally, zilch to utilize.

Poorly Trained Reservists:
Many factors contribute to this, arrogance, bad intel, financial constraints, but nevertheless it is sill inexcusable.

Awful Logistics:
Israel was not able to provide the essentials, beans (food and water), bullets, and band aids in a timely manner to their forces. Pathetic and criminal. No excuse.

Inexperienced Government:
The Prime Minster and his cabinet did not have an accurate picture of the battlespace nor the experience to question their military leaders.

My prediction is that Israel will rebound and be stronger and better. However, their poor performance all around is a weakness. This reality will give their enemies strength and the incentive to fight harder and longer.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Bring it on Kim Jong-il!

If war breaks out with North Korea it is highly likely I will be going. I don’t want war and all the awful things that come with it, but hey there’s a slight chance I could get sent to Tokyo vice South Korea. Who on earth would pass up an opportunity to go to Japan? Not me!
Bring it on Kim Jong-il! I'll fight you to the death, hopefully from my hotel room in Ginza!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

To Blog or not to Blog?

I only have this because my almost agent suggested I get my blog together.

“You must have a blog David. All the big shots do!”

You mean more writing? I just spent three hours punching up my stand-up and tweaking a treatment.

“Blog David! Blog!” Then he exploded into a mass of over charged importance and high percentages.

See you later guy who was a janitor at a Comedy Club and has the education of a 5th grader.

You used to book people all over. I know, I know you are important.

“By the way Dave, would you like to do my bringer show?

Fifteen people, $300 cover, 14 drink minimum and you’ll get 2 minutes in a real club.”

Mass emailing my friends now…