Dave Rosner's Blog

preview

2010-10-28T12:18:00.000-04:00

See me as the lead in Bert’s Plan Tue Nov 2, 8:30pm Big Apple Film Festival. Tickets here:
http://www.bigapplefilmfestival.com/program_guide.html

Dave Rosner's Memories of Iraq Stand-Up Comedy Tour 2009

2009-12-28T23:24:00.006-05:00

In March I fulfilled one of my stand-up comedy goals: a tour to entertain the troops serving in Iraq and Kuwait. Having served in the region twice before as a U. S. Marine, during this Iraq War and The Persian Gulf War, the comedy tour took on even more meaning. Being Jewish added another layer: I was a Jew in an Arab country. More importantly, I was glad to let the troops know that this New York Jew, although a transplant from New Mexico, supports them and their mission.

The comedy tour was with fellow comedians Scott Kennedy and Steve Mazan. Kennedy, a childhood friend from summer camp and military boarding high school, was on his twenty-seventh trip. And Mazan, a former U. S. Navy submariner, was on his seventh trip. Generals Petraeus and Odierno have told Kennedy that the comedy tours are actually saving lives. I agree. You need an outlet when deployed. That outlet is laughter.

When we arrived on base in Kuwait, we were issued a helmet and flack jacket. We wore these on every flight, and on the ground if the enemy threat level dictated.

We were taken on a tour of holy sites in Iraq and ended up at what is believed to have been Abraham’s house. The first and last twenty-four hours of the tour were spent in Kuwait. On the last day it was Purim. A U. S. Army Rabbi stationed there asked me to do a spot at their celebration. I did and then stuffed my face with humentashen.

For the first show, on a base in Kuwait I had been to before as a Marine, I was more nervous than usual. Should I do Jewish Marine or not? How many Mel Gibsons are out there? I went for it… Material worked. During my set, the loud speakers played the Muslim call to prayer. I incorporated it into my act. It “killed.”

The next day, we flew on a C-130 to Baghdad. The aircraft was hot and cramped. Upon arrival, we quickly dropped our bags and headed to the helicopter-landing zone from where we were flown to our first show in Iraq.

Everyday, Blackhawk helicopters flew us all over Iraq to large and small bases. From above, we saw Baghdad’s bustling traffic. Some days we did three shows, some days we did only one. A few shows were canceled due to being “dusted in” or for logistical reasons.

The crowds at our shows ranged from as little as forty to as many as five hundred. After every show we signed autographs and shook hands. I silently wished that I would never see any of them at a Wounded Warrior show. I tried to tell every one of them to “kick ass and be safe.” We must have shaken hands with over a thousand troops. After the show, we’d visit the troops in the guard towers who weren’t able to see the show.

After a show, a young army soldier told me in his thick southern accent, “You’re the funniest Jew I’ve ever met.” It meant a lot. Not as much as if this kid spoke in a New York accent and worked in the biz… But it was still nice to hear.

We arrived on a base 3km from the Iranian border. We were told that a patrol had been attacked five hours prior and they’d had to medevac a few guys out. “We could really use some comedy now,” they said. The show went well. The guys laughed. For a snap shot in time, they were able to put their worries and stresses aside, I hope.

As we flew away, I thought that whether I ended up in the region again as a Marine or as a comedian, nothing would take away from one of the most meaningful experiences of my lifetime, entertaining the troops in a combat zone.

http://www.daverosner.com/
http://www.myspace.com/daverosner
http://www.youtube.com/bigmacher
http://www.facebook.com/DaveRosner1
http://twitter.com/DaveRosner

###

Glenn Beck and Mitt Romney's "Dirty Little Secret"

2009-11-02T22:52:00.004-05:00

Glenn Beck and Mitt Romney not only both have great hair, they're also both Mormons. I don't know if good hair and Mormonism are related, but I'm sure an industrious Mormon preacher can find a link. It is not news that Romney is a Mormon. The left-leaning media loudly beat the drum of Mormonism being at odds with Christianity during the Republican presidential primary. This was specifically aimed at the Christian Right. The left-wing happily blew any Mormon fears out of proportion in order to derail the republicans. But this smear tactic will not cause the same stumbling block for Romney in the next primary.

The anti-Mormon issue pushed by the left worked in the past. Votes that would have propelled Romney over McCain went to the hapless Mike Huckabee. Romney was a much more viable candidate than McCain against the Democrats, and Huckabee, in distant third place, could have done us all a big favor by dropping out of the race. But instead he hung on like an unwanted relative staying past the long thanksgiving weekend.

Huckabee may run, but will not get as many "scared of Mormonism" votes this time around. Publicly, he will chastise any anti-Mormon talk. Privately, he will rejoice in it. Very similar to the world condemning Israel for destroying Iraq's nuclear facilities in 1981 but privately being thrilled. A scenario that will possibly be repeated if a country is courageous enough to save the world with an attack on Iran's nuclear facilities. But I digress…

Beck’s popularity has the ability to quash much of the anti-Mormon feeling from both sides of the aisle. Beck will speak in his blunt no-nonsense way about the idiocy of opposing Romney for being Mormon. No one knows who Beck will support, but Beck taking those to task for fomenting religious discrimination will pay in votes. Any airing of Beck being a Mormon will help Romney. Can you imagine Beck taking on this topic? The power of the straight-shooting Glenn Beck should not be underestimated. We might soon find masses of people moving to Utah, and an increase worldwide of white shirt/black pant wearing bicycle riders to boot.

Why Jews Vote Democrat? A misunderstanding of kindness.

2009-10-01T14:29:00.008-04:00

A lot of my politically conservative non Jewish friends, especially fellow Marines, are dumbfounded as to why American Jews continue to vote overwhelmingly democrat. These conservatives know that the democrat party is increasingly anti-American, anti-Israel, and down right anti-Semitic. But the left-wing Jew keeps marching along as if heading to the gas chambers while fighting for the Nazis’ rights to murder. Tough words for a dangerous situation. As an observant Jew and political conservative, many of my acquaintances have looked to me for insight on this topic.

Let me try to explain why my fellow Jews repeatedly “shoot themselves in the foot” by voting democrat. The answer is relatively simple: A misunderstanding of kindness. The bottom line: Left-Wing Jews are flawed. They don’t understand that being truly kind means at times being strong.

We know that it is expounded in the Talmud and further elaborated in The Tanya, of “Chabad Lubavitch Philosophy,” that Jews have a genuine empathy for another person. Look at how we Jews are disproportionately represented in charities. We seem to be running, or involved in, every legitimate to asinine charity out there. Save the Whales, Jews for Matza Balls, Spotted Owl Fertility Clinic, Support the Nazi Party, Self-Hating Jewish Rights, etc… Okay some of those are jokes but you get the picture.

The reality is that, sadly, left wing groups that Jews tend to support are the very groups that are anti-Semitic and anti-Israel. Just look at who is protesting the Israel Day Parade. Listen to the mainstream democrats bash the only democracy in the Middle East, Israel. I have news for the wimpy left-wing American Jew. If Jews are not safe in Israel, they are not safe anywhere else either. Along with gay rights and black rights speeches you can hear Jew hating vitriol from the core of the supporters. My conservative friends, Jewish, non-Jewish, gay, and black understand this. Regrettably, die-hard left-wing Jews are blind to this hatred against them coming from the left. The misbelief that the democrats really help people and that Jews must help others has led us to this harmful dilemma of voting for a party that is of astronomical negative proportions.

The issue is our soul. A soul is made up of Chesed “kindness” and Gevurah “strength.” The challenge is when to use kindness and when to use strength. Jewish people in their nature lean towards being compassionate and must learn how to channel it. You can’t be Mr. Nice Guy all the time. A Marine drill sergeant can’t coddle his recruits. He must be tough. This gives the Marines the skills they need to be successful in battle and, most importantly, come back safe and sound. Being strong at the right moment actually is being compassionate. Are you going to let your child run around like a maniac or are you going to set limits and boundaries? The latter is the answer. This misuse of Chesed “kindness” has caused Jews to continue to vote democrat over and over again.

For centuries Jews have fled rightist regimes and it is understandable that we Jews are wary of the right. However, knowing what makes up the right and left and who they really support is key.

The republicans pre George W. Bush were certainly on the anti-Semitic side but still understood the strategic importance of supporting Israel and not trusting the Arabs due to the Arab’s lack of true intentions for peace.
On the other hand you had Bill Clinton, supposedly a friend of the Jews, thinking the Arabs really did want peace and he shamefully, driven by a desire to have a foreign policy win after lying to the country about his schmekel, offered up parts of Jerusalem as the misguided Israeli left-wing sat idly by basking on how kind they thought they were perceived.

One of my favorite topics is food. I’m Jewish, I can’t help it. So let’s look at the kashrut “kosher” laws to recap this. When a Jew keeps kosher he actually has to stop and think. Their immediate desire for any food has to be processed and evaluated. Keeping kosher is about elevating oneself by doing something holy in the physical world that has ramifications in both the physical and spiritual worlds.

What makes a kosher animal is that it has split hooves and chews its cud. The split hoof represents Chesed “kindness” and Gevurah “strength”. The chewing of the cud signifies contemplating an action or decision.

Some personalities are driven by kindness others by strength. But not all situations require us to be kind or be strong. Realizing when to be kind and when to be strong is key. Jews on the left are not taking the time to seriously look into the realities of how harmful the democrats are to this nation and the world in general. This is the flaw of the left-wing Jews, a misunderstanding of kindness.

Dave Rosner is a U. S. Marine veteran of Gulf War One (Desert Shield/Storm) 1990 – 91, and Operation Iraqi Freedom 2003. He works as a speaker, stand-up comedian and political and military commentator. He returned to Iraq in March 2009 to entertain the troops on a stand-up comedy tour. Was recently the lead role as Bert in Bert's Plan, a short dark comedy written and directed by Yair Shvartz. See clip here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iUMhpQS1oo
www.daverosner.com
nudnickproductions@gmail.com
http://www.youtube.com/bigmacher
http://www.facebook.com/dave.rosner6137770
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dave-Rosner/136703749712362?ref=ts
http://twitter.com/DaveRosner

A Marine's July 4th Wish: Find a Cure for Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

2009-06-26T16:33:00.001-04:00

Op-Ed for week of July 4, 2009

My July 4th Wish

By Dave Rosner

This July 4th, I have a wish. My wish is that a cure for Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) be found. A cure that will save over one million lives—the number currently lost to TBI each year. Many of those lives belong to our brave men and women in uniform.

We live in the most advanced country in the world, and this gift should be used to end the pain of those who are suffering. As President Lincoln stated regarding veterans, "To care for him who shall have borne the battle." We have a particular obligation to care for those injured in service to our country.

As a lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve, I have seen the effects of TBI first-hand. I served in the first Gulf War and Iraq, and later I returned to Iraq as a comedian to entertain our troops.

I've also done shows for wounded servicemembers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Camp Lejeune, and veterans hospitals in Manhattan and Brooklyn, New York.

These experiences have given me direct insight into how severe a problem TBI is. The numbers alone are staggering.

TBI is found in 30 percent of the injured veterans sent to Walter Reed Army Medical Center. One and a half million Americans suffer TBI annually, from accidents such as the one that caused the tragic death of Natasha Richardson. Nearly 40 percent die within a few days.

There are few treatments for this type of injury. Currently no drug therapy is available. For the last 15 years, researchers at the Virginia Commonwealth University Medical Center have been developing an artificial blood that can reduce the effect of brain damage by half.

Clinical trials have shown consistent signs of successful outcomes -- there are fewer deaths among TBI patients treated with Oxycyte, for instance. But the FDA has not yet put that drug on a "fast track" toward approval, resulting in the continuing and unnecessary deaths of far too many servicemembers and civilians. "

This year, my Fourth of July wish is to celebrate the search for a cure for TBI.

I realize the FDA is burdened with countless pending cases, but accelerating the consideration process for Oxycyte could make it available in war zones within months. Equally important, emergency rooms at hospitals around the country would also have access to it. We must act to make this happen.

A grassroots movement to make this therapy more readily available is spreading through the military. This movement needs to spread to all Americans. If your loved one were suffering wouldn't you want them to be treated with the most cutting-edge medicine?

May G-d bless America, our troops, and all of the men and women who are hoping for a cure for their loved ones.

###

Dave Rosner is a stand-up comedian, a U. S. Marine, and political/ military TV commentator. He is a veteran of the first Gulf war and more recently, the Iraq war.

Marine Iraq War Vet to return to Iraq as Comedian

2009-02-20T00:26:00.001-05:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Marine Iraq War Vet to return to Iraq as Comedian

New York, New York – February 20, 2009

PRESS RELEASE/MEDIA ALERT

Dave Rosner, a U. S. Marine veteran of the Iraq War, returns to Iraq next month on a stand-up comedy tour.

A lieutenant colonel in the U. S. Marine Corps reserve, Rosner has more than 20 years active and reserve service. He also served on active duty for the Marines during the Persian Gulf War.

Among his specialties as a Marine are intelligence officer and public affairs (media) officer.

As a civilian, Rosner is stand-up comedian, speaker, and political and military commentator.

Rosner claims to be "the only Marine who, when he kills, nobody dies."

His stand-up routine pokes fun at his experiences in the Marines and being a Jewish Marine, his personal shortcomings, and family life growing up in New Mexico.

Rosner says, "I caught malaria and diarrhea while I was in Iraq--those are Saddam's twin daughters." "My radio call sign is 'Mazel Tov Cocktail.'"

Currently he is writing a book about his atypical life story of being an observant Jew in the Marines.

On most nights he can be seen performing stand-up comedy in comedy clubs in New York City or speaking about his experiences in synagogues across the globe.

Rosner is performing with comedians Steve Mazan and Scott Kennedy with “Comics Ready to Entertain” This will be Kennedy’s 27th trip to Iraq.

Contact:
Dave Rosner
www.daverosner.com
http://www.youtube.com/bigmacher
On Facebook and My Space Comedy as Dave Rosner

###

Where is the real Rudy Giuliani?

2008-01-08T08:30:00.000-05:00

Rudy needs to man up. Where’s the tough leader? Where’s the Rudy who fought crime, saved New York City and was “Americas Mayor” after 9/11? Playing Mr. Appropriate Nice Guy is not going to sway undecided voters. It's like the neighborhood dog that everyone used to respect and fear is now disregarded post neutering. I only hope Rudy throws his genteel demeanor to the wayside and reverts to the tough no nonsense leader he used to be. Come on Rudy, do us all a favor, bite someone’s head off.

Fan Hate Mail

2007-05-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

Below my note here is a copy of my very first official fan hate mail. Getting such a visceral response means I’m really connecting up there. I usually always work clean especially Synagogue gigs. But this was not a house of worship, a hospital or more importantly a late night TV gig. More like a drunken road gig in a firehouse in New Jersey.
Here is the background: This was a booked show Sunday night at the Comedy Store in La Jolla California. Just after the open mic. I get there and the room is basically all X-rated material and that is all that is getting laughs. Perfect night to try my blue material since I rarely do the dirt.
As I drove to San Diego from Los Angeles I called a bunch of people I know in La Jolla. Most of them are South African modern Orthodox Jews. People that are normal and not OCD (Obsessive Compulsive) with their observance. Any who, I also invited two Ba’al Tushva American Jews. People who get into observance from a less observant background and a lot of times are super OCD about their observance. So guess who shows? The OCD Ba’al Tusheva American Jews. Good on them for supporting me. Actually, wrong for them to be there since it was part of the Omer (Jewish thang where you are to limit joyous occasions), so it really is their fault they had such a bad time.
I fixed the unsolicited fan hate email a bit like a big time Newspaper does when people misquote and also provided definition to the Jewish stuff for all you non-believers out there. My smarty pants stuff in [ ].

Hi David,

I'm trying to find the positive in Sunday night's very disgusting experience at the "Comedy Club"....the only thing I can come up with is that I was there in order to give you reprimand..give you a perspective that you may have become desensitized to. Here it is: being in a cesspool is a bad environmental choice.

Those standups communicated tasteless, boorish, idiotic, filthy sludge...from the deepest recesses of their emptiness. We stayed only because we hoped to be refreshed by a bright guy named David Rosner whom we'd met at Shul, had to our Shabat [Shabbat] table... But unfortunately that wan't[wasn’t] the case. We were just as disgusted by David's schtick as the others, felt abused by his routine and saddened torealize he'd sold out Derech Eretz [way of the land (Israel)] for a believed "audience appeal" and even worse, identified himself with the Jewish people while spatting filth. You could do a lot better...our people are known for great comediens [comedians] and even more so for great thinkers. So, David, when your act reflects your connection to Torah values, we'll welcome an invitation to your show. Until then, we're good for a Shabat [Shabbat] meal. Best. Keren [I deleted the last name to protect the innocent]

Ok it is me, Dave, again. So there you go. I rule. Fan hate mail. I am big.

The Rosner Plan for the Nukes in Iran and the Syrian Ruling Clan

2007-04-08T13:57:00.000-04:00

Redeploy our forces in Iraq to the borders of Syria and Iran. This will most certainly decrease the amount of insurgents coming in to the increasingly stable Iraq and, more importantly, send a tangible strategic message to Syria and Iran. Here we are and we mean business.

On the home front, Democrats will whine and holler about WW III and the imperialistic Bush regime. The Right will applaud this move but not completely support it due to a fear of being seen as too hawkish in a pre-election year.

The reality is that our forces on the borders of Iran and Syria keep the majority of our servicemen currently in Iraq out of harms’ way and gives us an advantage in any talks with either Iran or Syria. From a military stand point, it is a superb opportunity to probe the border for intelligence and hopefully capture as many Iranians and Syrians as we have time to interrogate. It also signals to dissidents that they have another way out of their country. Furthermore, if proper CIA operations are put in place it gives a green light to reformists in both countries to ramp up their opposition to their current governments. Although this would seem to be more applicable to Iran it is still a possibility in Syria.

The Pope’s Deutschland blood might have got the best of him.

2006-09-18T02:05:00.000-04:00

Leave it to someone with German Aryan master race (I don’t want to use the “N” word here) in his vein's to spark a religious controversy. Doesn’t the Pope know that saying Muslims are violent and evil just makes them react with violence and evil? It’s like saying women are emotional and crazy when they are on their period. It’s true. But saying it, just makes them more emotional and crazy. We want to say it. Hey are you on your period? Is that why you’re acting so weird? We know not to say that. We pretend that all is well. We blame ourselves. I shouldn’t have gotten in the line with the female check out girl. Oops my bad. Sorry honey. And then wait it out. So the Pope is guilty. He quoted the truth. He shouldn’t have. His bad. He will learn some things are better left unsaid. This way we all can pretend nothing is wrong and blame ourselves. And while we’re at it, don’t forget to blame the white man, Bush and of course, the Jews.

Brothel opens in Kabul!

2006-09-15T09:35:00.000-04:00

It’s easy come, easy go in Kabul.
Democratic and capitalistic reforms have transformed the dust bowl of backwards Afghanistan into a modern Sodom and Gomorrah. The newly opened brothel is raking in the Afghani (dollar) hand over fist. Soon Afghanis can join forces with the left wing in America and jump on the Global Warming and Gay Marriage bandwagons. And in the near future a Kabul-ite will be synonymous with a Progressive. Once they open a gay brothel we’ll know they’re on track.

Pro Choice

2006-08-29T13:46:00.000-04:00

I’m not that conservative. I am pro choice. So pro choice that I believe as long as the umbilical cord is attached, you can still abort. I mean, screw it. It’s not breathing by its own power. Thank goodness for liberals. Hell, I feel that up to one year old you should be able to get rid of it. Its personality really hasn’t developed yet.

The Best Day of My Life: before she got hitched

2006-08-25T06:06:00.000-04:00

This was written before Nicole Kidman got hitched. So now the chances of this getting published anywhere but my blog are slim to nil. A funny article is a terrible thing to waste. See below.

It all started with a reheated slice of NYC pizza. Okay, it was Domino’s, but I’m from New Mexico, so what am I supposed to know about New York City Pizza? Tamales I know. Tacos I know. Catholic girls--you bet I know. I was hungry, real hungry. I bit the inside of my mouth juggling the too-hot pizza. Coming from a long line of hypochondriacs, I took a trip to the oral surgeon. (You should never take risks with your health.)

A chance offer by the Doc to go backstage to Live with Regis and Kelly, so he can surprise his producer wife, leads to the best day of my life. I shake hands with Kelly Ripa and watch her--might I add she put her hand and arm around my shoulder in support of me being in Iraq as a U.S. Marine (I knew the war was worth it!)--anyway, more importantly--FOCUS! FOCUS!—I watch her interview Nicole Kidman!(!!) And hey, I lived five minutes from Nicole in Sydney, Australia. “Remember me?” (the guy who would stiffen up as he walked by your house? I am here for you, Nicole; When you were in the midst of a divorce from Tom, I was there for you then too, Nicole; I’ve always been there for you). Anyway, FOCUS DAVID! FOCUS! My eyes are darting frantically during the interview. Who to look at? Which set of legs to gander at? Which fantasy path to take--school-girl outfit or thigh-high stockings? All good, all good. I take it all in: Kelly in perfect heels, a hot-angled view of Nicole’s inner workings, oh if I only had bionic eyes. Then the moment of my life I will never forget: they hug. Oh Lord, please, if you give me nothing else, let me be part of that--a Dave Rosner-Kelly Ripa-Nicole Kidman sandwich, but not in that order. Okay, so Kelly is off-limits, she’s married, but there’s nothing wrong with looking. Nicole, on the other hand, is on the market, and we know she’s into it since she did Lenny Kravitz. Must have a thang for Jews. Once you go Jewish you never go black, or however that saying goes to my advantage. “Hi, nice to meet you. You’ve starred in my fantasies for years, I mean, uh, I’ve been a fan for years.” What a great day!

Later the same night, another big name. (Is this a sign? All these big names in one day?) FOCUS! FOCUS! Okay, so that night I go to a taping of a show on which Jerry Seinfeld is the scheduled guest. I’m tired--fantasizing about the sandwich takes a lot out of a person. Some guys need Viagra; my wrist just ends up hurting and I get a little light-headed. As a comic, actor and writer myself, I find I have to leave the show before it starts, because I get a call for a paid gig! Some dumb high-paying focus group. But nevertheless a paid gig! Am I blowing off seeing Seinfeld for a focus group? Yes, but on the way out a trip to the men’s room leads me to his dressing room. My stealthy Marine Corps training pays off once again. No security, but no Seinfeld either. Do I leave him my card? (He sees it, thinks I’m great…calls me and soon I’m doing gigs with him, I’m in his next sitcom. Or: The Seinfeld Reunion Starring Dave Rosner.) To leave the card or not? I leave it, I take it away, I leave it again, I take it away. What am I, back in bed with a horny ex-girlfriend? In the end I keep it away. Seinfeld will have to wait; besides, I have a Kelly Ripa- Dave Rosner-Nicole Kidman sandwich to attend to!

At the focus group I meet a hot redhead. Are those black knee-highs, thigh-highs or waist-highs? How am I supposed to focus on the focus group when all I can focus on is the redhead? Sorry, Mr. Focus Group Leader Guy, I could care less about your dumb topic. There’s a hot redhead here! She takes priority, they always do. Don’t you know that? What is wrong with you? Are you gay or something? Okay, I’m pretty sure I can tell she’s a natural redhead. Nicole I can’t tell. Nicole was in waist-highs, and my lack of satellite eye imagery capability could not verify if she was a natural redhead. But it doesn’t matter. We got any room in that sandwich for the focus-group redhead? Pass the mayo! Let’s eat--I’m hungry, real hungry.

Post-–Best-Day-of-My-Life Update: Focus-Group Girl is a natural redhead!

MEN WITH HAIRY BACKS FOR ANTI-SMOKING COMMERCIAL!

2006-08-23T09:05:00.000-04:00

I want to thank everyone who contacted me about the TV commercial audition for the Men w/Hairy Backs. I appreciate you letting me know about a paid acting gig.

I regret to inform you that my back hair or lack there of, was just not good enough. That is right. I am not that hairy.

But I question, how well do you really know me? Have you seen a mass of hair on my back? Lower back, yes. Maybe you caught my hair pants bit where I show my hairy lower back. But remember it stops at my lower back. Just like pants do. That is the genius to the joke.

You must have assumed my excessively hairy stomach, chest and lower back are an indication that the rest of my body is the same. You know what they say about assumptions… Let’s get something straight here. My teeth are not hairy, my palms are not hairy and the bottoms of my feet are not hairy. Nor I might add my eyeballs are not hairy. None, zilch, zero.

My upper back hair is just is not there yet. A fine wine and a great single malt scotch take time to mature properly in order to give the world a pleasure beyond words. One of these days so will my back hair. Stay tuned.

Round 1: Israel Zero, Hezbollah Won

2006-08-22T21:06:00.000-04:00

Since I have had so many inquires into my take of the recent war between Israel and Hezbollah I will give my two cents here.
Israel blew it. Several reason why: Arrogant Generals, bad Intel, poorly trained reservists, awful logistics and an inexperienced government.

Arrogant Generals: (read this in an tough Israeli voice it brings much more realism to it).
“Ehh you know, Israel, will take out the Hezbollah once and, ehh, for all. They will no longer, ehh, have the, ehh, capabilities to fires rockets into, ehh, Israel.”

Wrongly the IDF believed they could take out Hezboallah with an air war. Time and time again in history we see this mistake played out over and over. You will always need boots on the ground. War is up close and dirty.

Bad Intel:
“And therefore I say: Know the enemy, know yourself; your victory will never be endangered. Know the ground, know the weather; your victory will then be total.”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

In a nutshell, a dismal failure.
Israel had no idea of the number of rockets, the anti-tank capabilities, and most importantly Hezbollahs ability to stand and fight successfully.
A complete malfunction of their intelligence cycle. The Intel cycle consist of the following:
• Planning & Direction
• Collection
• Processing & Exploitation
• Production
• Dissemination
• Utilization
Looks like no planning and direction. A weak collection plan, if any.
Nothing to process or exploit. Thus no need for production and dissemination. Finally, zilch to utilize.

Poorly Trained Reservists:
Many factors contribute to this, arrogance, bad intel, financial constraints, but nevertheless it is sill inexcusable.

Awful Logistics:
Israel was not able to provide the essentials, beans (food and water), bullets, and band aids in a timely manner to their forces. Pathetic and criminal. No excuse.

Inexperienced Government:
The Prime Minster and his cabinet did not have an accurate picture of the battlespace nor the experience to question their military leaders.

My prediction is that Israel will rebound and be stronger and better. However, their poor performance all around is a weakness. This reality will give their enemies strength and the incentive to fight harder and longer.

Bring it on Kim Jong-il!

2006-06-23T09:55:00.000-04:00

If war breaks out with North Korea it is highly likely I will be going. I don’t want war and all the awful things that come with it, but hey there’s a slight chance I could get sent to Tokyo vice South Korea. Who on earth would pass up an opportunity to go to Japan? Not me!
Bring it on Kim Jong-il! I'll fight you to the death, hopefully from my hotel room in Ginza!

To Blog or not to Blog?

2006-06-22T23:08:00.000-04:00

I only have this because my almost agent suggested I get my blog together.

“You must have a blog David. All the big shots do!”

You mean more writing? I just spent three hours punching up my stand-up and tweaking a treatment.

“Blog David! Blog!” Then he exploded into a mass of over charged importance and high percentages.

See you later guy who was a janitor at a Comedy Club and has the education of a 5th grader.

You used to book people all over. I know, I know you are important.

“By the way Dave, would you like to do my bringer show?

Fifteen people, $300 cover, 14 drink minimum and you’ll get 2 minutes in a real club.”

Mass emailing my friends now…